I love Alma's life-changing experience and everything around it. He was the vilest of sinners and was intersected by an angel who shook the earth. An angel whose voice shook the earth. This is amazing. And at the end of his encounter with this angel, he fell into a 3 day coma of sorts.
Later in life Alma recounts his journey though his heart and mind as he was in the coma. He was racked with torment because of his sins. I have definitely felt this way before. I am no perfect man and though I have often been an example for my family and friends of faithfulness, there is a dark side to my moon. I am not proud of that side, nor do I desire to make that side a part of me. But as a citizen of the second estate, I have been given a "natural man" or "carnal man" that comes out every once in a while. The key for me is to not let this carnal role become a part of who I allow myself to accept as my true identity. Yes, I (Andy Proctor) have done things and acted against what the highest in me would dictate. Deeds have been done, and acts acted. The confession of which do not make me feel comfortable with any holy person, let alone God.
On the other hand, I have been a witness to many sacred and holy things. I have walked on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, the streets of Jerusalem, the top of Mt. Sinai, the Palmyra grove where God the Father and Jesus the Son stood. I have prayed there. I have witnessed the birth of a baby, and the death of multiple people. I have given blessings with and received blessings from Especial and Special witnesses of Jesus Christ (seventies and apostles). I have witnessed the very powers of Satan stopped in their tracks as I gave a priesthood blessing in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of the holy Melchizedek priesthood. The darkness dissipated and light immediately prevailed in these moments. I have received revelatory dreams of guidance and comfort, visions of warning and instruction, and voices that lift and strengthen. Even pure intelligence flowing unto me about a course of action in my life, or how to be a blessing in the lives of others. In all of these moments of enlightenment, I feel at home. I feel at peace. I feel more real than at any other moment. The bright side of the moon is the real me. In fact I would venture to say that the real me is not a moon at all, but a star. Not living on borrowed light like the moon.
I only say these things because I love Alma's expression as he contemplates his own experience gazing into heaven.
Yea, methought I saw, even as our father Lehi saw, God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising their God; yea, and my soul did long to be there.
My soul longs to be there too. I think all of our souls long to be there. Our better selves long to be true to who we really are.
The other part about being there - heaven and not here - is that right now, I feel like it would be such a relief from all the things stressing me out in this life. Okay mostly right now it is politics, money, and social life with girls. But I guess all those things are things that God is complete in. Perhaps politics is a very mundane and mortal thing that will not exist in the next life, though leadership most definitely will exist. Money management and mastery is something that I think is eternal. It is not money that matters, but the principle of keeping a balanced budget, efficient use of assets, saving (having patience), investing (having patience), and stewardship and accountability over inheritance. And social life will definitely exist there, especially with one woman who I eventually marry and family that we create as well as the ones we come from. So I do long to be there partially because I am weary of the struggle in this life (mainly in the above mentioned areas) and partially because I can't wait to be outside of the grind of temptation and sin that is just rampant here. I just don't feel at home with it all. And I do feel at home with the heavenly experiences I have had. I believe that I think about heaven a lot. But probably still, not enough.
Either way, my soul longs to be there.
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